Ok, so I’m sure we can all agree that work emails suck ass.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve wanted to just call someone up and get the conversation over with, but instead spent four weeks building up a passive aggressive email chain where no one is getting anywhere, only for someone to end the conversation with “Take care.”
Thankfully there are positive sides to work emails as well.
I mean, if you’re like me and despise confrontation at work, emails will always be your way out.
Just pour a glass of red wine, lean back and furiously type “as previously stated” while you mutter “can you even read you illiterate, lazy piece of..” under your breath.
See, the trick is just to understand the office lingo and use it to release any and all frustration you might have. So I’ve compiled a list of 12 solid phrases that will get your point across, without being rude, without swearing and without risking your job.
“Per my last email…”
Meaning: Fucking pay attention and read your last email from me, we have already been through this and there’s no reason for me to send this one as well.
“Please don’t hesitate to contact me if…”
Meaning: The “if” situation I’m referring to better not happen. Do not contact me.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you need to bring anyone else on to complete the project.
Note that if you receive this and call up your boss saying “Yeah, I’d love to bring someone on,” then that person is replacing you and you’re fired.
Meaning: I don’t give a shit who’s in the wrong, I’m not going to discuss it with you.
This one is great because you can use it whenever you don’t want to rehash past mistakes anymore. It’s the work verison of “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
So you accidentally, illegally fired the asshole in your office because you couldn’t deal with his shit anymore, and now the Partners are asking for details?
Just give a short summary in less than a sentence, and add “Moving forward…”
Here’s an email I sent last year as an example:
Yes, your understanding of the current situation is very much accurate.
He was three minutes late for the meeting so I locked the office and sent an official resignation notice from the administration.
Moving forward, I would propose we set up regular evaluation meetings before all resignations, so as to allow for further discussion from both sides.
Same way, if you have an employee who fucked up and won’t stop explaining themselves, just shoot them a simple “Moving forward…” with the changes you expect.
“I hope this email finds you well…”
Meaning: I know I shouldn’t say this, but I will, because I don’t care and I hate you.
This can also be used outside of the office in any uncomfortable setting.
Just last week I had to use it when I drunk emailed my friends mom to insinuate that she doesn’t care about her own son.
“Hope this email finds you well”, but I also hope you burn in hell.
“Let’s circle back on this…”
Meaning: Ew, try again.
If you’re ever in a meeting or discussion where everyone is acting like illiterate preschoolers, save yourself time and close the conversation with this.
“Yeah, you may be onto something. Let’s circle back on this.”However, if you’re on the receiving end of this phrase, then finish whatever you’re saying asap and stop talking. You’re most likely sounding like an idiot.
“Thanks in advance”
Meaning: I need this, I need this, I NEED THIS.
This is the assumption close where you reduce the risk of a “hell no” by assuming a positive response and making them uncomfortable.
It makes it even more awkward for the receiver to say no, but in a very naive, overly optimistic way, so no one will hate you for it.
“As previously stated…”
Meaning: Can you even read?? We’ve been through this.
If anyone comes for you with email discussions and won’t acknowledge the points you make, just continuously refer back to your own emails.
Eventually they’ll feel stupid enough and start reading what you wrote.
“I’d be happy to discuss further…”
Meaning: I don’t care that you disagree, I’m not giving this up.
This is great for when you’re asking for something you’ll probably not get, or if they’ve already said no.
Just add a small change to your request, and say “I’d be happy to discuss this further.”
“I just wanted to follow up on this…”
Meaning: I know you didn’t do shit since last time we spoke, so I’m purposely reminding you before the deadline because I’m prepared for your failure.
Also, I’ll just leave you with some options for finishing off your emails as well.
Meaning: Fuck you.
“Hope this helps”
Meaning: Leave me alone.
Meaning: this is the last email you’ll ever hear from me.
It’s basically the office version of “have a nice life”