The Independent One
The Independent one is the most likely to take the day off work and sleep in late, exclaiming “it’s called a mental health day” to anyone who protests. She will preach on social media about the importance of self-care during the holidays, because “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else? #RuPaul “
The Independent One will spend the afternoon wearing facial masks and working on her Pinterest schedule, finishing off with a warm bath and engaging in some healthy goal setting.
As the engagement on her social media posts slows down (because everyone else is out getting drunk) she’ll write in her gratitude journal before taking an Advil and passing out in bed. Probably still wearing a facial mask, yet feeling very satisfied with her decision to focus on self-care and being able to rise above the demands of society.
The Mess will start the night slowly, going out with her single friends for drinks. She’ll be repeating the mantra “I don’t care, to me it’s just a normal Thursday, who cares? I don’t!” for the first few hours, until the first round of tequila arrives.
Later on, you’ll find The Mess at the end of the bar with her drunken mood swings, yelling at her friends “You are so right, I don’t need anyone! I’m a fucking masterpiece!”, then moments later someone will be rubbing her back as she cries out “why doesn’t anybody love me?”
The night will often escalate with tequila and tears, and The Mess will likely wake up in some dude’s apartment and proceed to discreetly check Google Maps to find out her location, having no memories of last night.
PS: If you’re her boss, don’t expect her to come into work on the 15th.
The Optimist will generally spend the same amount of time getting ready as her “taken” friends. She will research where to eat dinner based on their target customers with her ideal future husband in mind, only to end up at a restaurant where she can barely afford a plate of steamed asparagus.
The Optimist will daydream through the first few hours while sweetly sipping on a glass of Rosé, waiting for someone to sit down and ask if she wants another.
She will often go home alone feeling content, knowing she tried her best, while looking forward to next year where she’ll definitely be going on a proper date.
The Depressing One
This is the only one who will not be joining you for drinks on Valentine’s day.
Instead, The Depressing one will stay home in sweats and listen to Taylor Swift and Adele on repeat, while finishing off two bottles of wine and ½ carton of ice cream.
She may watch Bridget Jones to make herself feel less alone, but will always turn it off before the romantic ending even begins.
If you’re out on a date with your loved ones, you can expect a few text messages from The Depressing One throughout the night, where she will ignore the fact that you’re busy in a desperate attempt to pretend like it’s just any other day.
She has a high risk of ending the night with laying in bed, scrolling through years of texts from her previous boyfriends, while cry-laughing about how great life used to be.
The Depressing One will then pass out due to alcohol and show up to the office puffy.
The Desperate One
The Desperate One is the girl who has been dating someone for a month or so, yet it’s still in the “hookup” category rather than anything exclusive.
She will spend the days leading up to Valentine’s Day hinting about being free to her current hookup, mentally preparing for him to magically turn into a boyfriend just in time.
She is likely to cancel all plans on the day just in case there’s a surprise in store for her, yet will often end up disappointed and drunk at the bar next door.
The Bitter One
This is the only friend you should be careful around during the first weeks of February, all the way leading up to the 14th. The Bitter One will be ranting about how much she hates Valentine’s Day, whether it’s on social media or through simple acts like snorting whenever she sees a heart themed store decoration.
She will blame capitalism and consumerism, secretly not knowing the difference between the two. With The Bitter One you can expect some angry opinions on Facebook, plans to boycott the holiday, as well as personal messages to anyone who supports her ideas in the means of a “like”.
You may also end up with an invitation for an “anti-Valentine’s Day” night where you all gather to stand up against society’s expectations.